There is a place beyond word, a place to which I would like to return. My ability to describe this place is limited. Either the experiences are too ineffable, or I am I simply a moron. By human standards, I am probably average, clearly not moronic, but I still consider that a legitimate explanation for my limited ability, not as dismissal of self, or even true humility, but instead it is recognition there is something greater. Greater than me, certainly, but clearly a part of me can access it. In altered states of conscious, my ability to perceive is greater and the amount of information I process is greater. I am not the only person who has visited this place. Some describe getting there before, during, or after a trauma. For example, someone might have the sudden realization that they are going to be in car accident, the brain goes into To Gamma Frequency mode, and the world for them comes to a stop. It doesn’t really stop. They are advancing through time at their original rate, but there experience is that it’s in slow motion. Some people see their lives pass before their eyes. Some people find themselves standing outside their body watching the event from a new perspective. I’ve touched this place during sex.
The first time was like rising into a space, perhaps the sky, but it was full of light. The light is probably the most stark and memorable part of the experience. If water was light and you were immersed without fear of drowning, this might be a reasonable approximation. This liquid environment is warm, I imagine it to be very much like being in the womb. Visualize being out at night under a storm and the sky suddenly lit by lightening. Now, imagine not seeing the strike itself, but being surrounded by a sustained lightening flash; that is the intensity of blueness. Imagine being in a dark room and being suddenly able to see every object in the room, but there is not one shadow so there is no way to determine the source of the light, because the light is diffused everywhere. Every item is distinct, more real than real, like looking through a ‘view-master,’ more real because a light shines through it, and the colors are crisper than daily reality, like looking at a liquid crystal display, colorful and the illusion of floating. And imagine you can see the companion who you’re sharing time with from several perspective. One perspective is your normal perspective, but your companion appears like a composite overlaid into your reality. The first time, her movement against me made the world move as if we were on a boat or a waterbed, and I was the ocean, and there was a current and it was hard to not be swept away. The other perspective is outside yourself, watching from any angle. But there are levels to this, too, because there is another view where everything seems to be running together like a Monet painting that is simultaneously melting, but it’s not a dying adulteration of all things moving towards entropy, but instead is an overwhelming enmeshment of love, and deliberate organization, as if an artist somewhere was pushing light against a canvas with unseen brushes. There is a feeling of oneness.
I have never used drugs. I have read about DMT, Ayahuasca, and other substance induced psychedelic trips. There is familiarity in the descriptions that tempt me to pursue this, but I am not ready to cross that boundary. I have experienced firsthand and read many books on astral projection, and what I am wanting to describe is not this. I have also read many books on near death experiences. There are elements in these that match my experience, but it’s not this either. They were distinctly different than lucid dreaming. I have experienced intimacy in both lucid dreams and in astral projections. These experiences, too, are not what I am trying to get at. They’re amazing experiences in their own right and I do seek them out, but they pale to what I want. And limited ability to speak isn’t the only problem with conversing about it, because who wants to hear this? Some people do, but somehow we go off on tangents of sleep paralysis accompanied by a succubus, or alien abductions. Yes, I have had those experiences, too. The succubus after puberty, the alien abductions before. The purpose of this journal entry is not to convince people aliens and succubae exist, I am merely reporting I have had these experiences, which once the conversation goes alien, well, no one ever gets back to the ‘mystical.’
In my efforts to understand my experiences, I eventually came to the term ‘transcendental sex.’ I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to move to India and live in an ashram. I think I would be okay living in a hippie commune in California, but am kind of partial to Texas. I’m kind open to starting commune here, but I definitely don’t want to be a guru of any sort. The one thing which I am certain is I want more experiences. I would like to understand them. I would like to induce them on demand, or at least find a way that can increase the odds or frequency and see if that is knowledge that can be passed to others, because I think this is something everyone should try. I would also like to know why I have had them. I am so not special. And again, that’s not humility speaking. Yeah, I get it, we’re all entitled to breathe and some of us breathe deeper than others, and when I am there it makes sense and I don’t worry about lesser and greater than, or daily grind as all problems dissipate to nothing.
Having the experiences didn’t make me a ‘better’ person, in terms of traditional values; more specifically, it didn’t make me hold fast to monogamy. In fact, this, more than anything, is likely what encouraged me to open to the poly lifestyle. It made me, sex, and relationships different. I am so non-judgmental when it comes to sex, which wasn’t true in my teenage years. Back then, I was hooked in the Hollywood dream of one girl-one relationship-one life. Every next relationship drove me further from that idea to the point where I was certain I was going to hell. But I wasn’t going to give up sex. And then one day, having sex with a friend, I was catapulted into a new world. When I returned, I found there were tears running down my face and my friend was concerned, and if it had been with anyone else, I would have been mortified that I was crying in that context, much less scared to report why I was crying, “by the way I just had an hallucination and I think I need to go check myself in.” Yeah, I didn’t share that. I went months thinking I was on the verge of losing it, while simultaneously wanting more! I did have more. Just not with the above friend.
You can search find information on this topic. I discovered Jenny Wade’s book “transcendental sex: when lovemaking opens the veil.” Unfortunately, short of religious texts translated from Sanskrit, this book is really the closest thing Western Literature has to offer in terms of exploring the subject. You can find some well written articles on this subject, too. There was one written for Psychology today, by Steve Taylor, the very article that directed me to Jenny Wade. I think maybe what intrigues me more than even the subject I led with is the fact every culture has reports on altered states of consciousness, and yet, we don’t seem to place the kind of emphasis on having them more and talking about these incredible things. This would be like every one of us living in the Star Wars universe, and yet we talk about Jedi in the past sense, if we speak of them at all. The real question seems to be, why aren’t we all Jedi’s?!