Let’s talk about sex. (For me, that usually starts with aliens, but for now…) I know I have an adult, warped mind. I am even be proud of it, as I have been an adult for a while now, and admit that I started before being legally approved, even before being emotionally ready, and yet, I find myself suddenly intrigued by the ‘in your face’ that was previously hidden in plain sight. I am talking mostly about the sexy Christmas songs, but it isn’t limited to that, but what got me thinking about it was “Baby its Cold Outside.” Specifically the line, “Hey, what’s in this drink?” This song has been around for quite a while, even before Bill Cosby, so why am I just now ‘hearing’ it? In fact, the whole duet pushes some subtle boundaries that seem on the whole inappropriate, but made even more inappropriate given it’s a ‘Christmas song.’

Now, I am not complaining. I like the song. I am amused at the line. I think it accurately reveals the subtle pressure we sometimes put on people to “stay,” though I must admit when the roles are reversed so that the female is the aggressor, I don’t really buy it, because I am like, “You don’t have to give me a drink, cause I am not going to say ‘no no no.’” I am even very fond of the song “Santa Baby,” which I found even more endearing thanks to Allie McBeal’s Christmas party ritual song and dance night. But really, if people are already lamenting the commercialization and materialistic nature that has taken over Christmas, which I suspect has been around much longer than the era mass production, why aren’t we equally disturbed that the song is calling us out for being the ‘prostitutes’ we all are? And again, I like the song.

Sinfully, sexy, secular Christmas songs don’t stand in a vacuum. They come with movies, too. I love “the Christmas Story” on multiple levels, but it pushes some boundaries, as far as a Christmas theme goes. And I don’t remember ever being disturbed by that. I remember being a little curious why it was okay for “mom kissing Santa clause” which on the whole, is innocent enough when you discover dad is actually Santa, but before you know that information, it’s not so innocent and it leads to speculative angst, and adds to the ‘family secrets’ that run our secret dialogues between family members. Technically, just saying there is a Santa is tantamount to lying, which begs the whole question of why we’re teaching honesty is the best policy while simultaneous promoting a very big lie.

As an adult, I get that we can’t separate the ‘adult’ side of our nature from anything. I am not talking about dissecting Disney films to find inappropriate, subliminal messages, and though I have seen evidence of that stuff that makes me question the artists and the producers, I am equally perturbed by the folks that slow the scenes down looking for the ‘contraband’ and then wonder about their agenda when they throw it in my face to ruin the illusion of purity I held prior, which is, again, the same as an adult or another kid telling me, “Hey, there is no Santa.” (0r aliens.)

“There is no sanctuary:” Logan’s run. “Everybody Lies:” House. Sigh. And looking back, it wasn’t just Christmas, so I am not even ranting about Christmas per say. I remember loving the songs “I got a brand new pair of roller skates” and “Afternoon delight” and would sing along at the top of my voice and it was perfectly innocent, but now I cringe at the thought of having done so publically in front of my family and others. And it’s not like parents could ask you not to sing it in public, without also explaining why you can’t sing it in public, but since the radio pushed it and you won’t let them change the channel without throwing a fit, I almost feel sorry for the tortured parent who has to realize their kid is making them feel awkward, the same way I would feel awkward thinking about my parents having relations, because that just not a place we visit, even though you know that’s where you and your siblings came from. And those songs are still favored songs, they just have a different meaning now, but there are songs today that don’t even bother hiding the subtitles of adulthood, are extremely explicit, and kids are still singing. I find myself remembering the song of the king and queen in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” that I liked as a kid, and remember laughing at it, but I also remember being of two minds about it. Here it was a ‘sexy’ love song, with both parties expressing love, but the king was trying to kill the queen. What message was that sending my little brain?

I mean, even reading curious George to my little one, I am frequently brought out of the story by things I think are just adult weird and shouldn’t be there, but contextually, the story is still innocent enough. For example, “Curious George goes to the animal shelter.” The whole scene where the man has to go ‘sign some paperwork’ behind closed doors just to drop off a kitten as a plot contrivance to leaving George alone, telling him to stay out of trouble, is weird enough, but when it’s followed by George hearing ‘barking’ I want to break out laughing. In “Curious George goes to the candy store” the pictures of the candy machines intimately connected together with big smiles on their faces… Yeah, it’s just a quirk of my adult mind, (too early sexualized by SP and alien abductions,) but it was an adult that drew this, right? Okay, maybe I am just warped. The fact that I can find female cartoons attractive, even in Curious George, is probably too revealing, and also explains why I get the following phonological loop stuck in my head “Daughter Judy…” But if I ever need to switch it up, there’s always a Christmas song to replace it with, “And hurry down my chimney tonight.” (Which could also be aliens. And now I can’t get that song by Bree Sharp out of my head, “David Duchovny.”)

So, where am I on this whole subject? I don’t know. What does it mean that when I think of Christmas I am perfectly happy with watching “Die Hard” with Bruce Willis. “Yes, Christmas, to me, is being locked in a building with terrorist trying to kill me.” “Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun,” cause nothing sells an American Christmas better than sexual innuendos and guns. I think I got distracted from the point I was going to make and now it’s lost in the nether of my mind. I guess it’s not so important, but if you intend to tarry, why don’t you put another record on while I pour. I am sure it will make us both feel all warm and fuzzy, just like a good hearted, innocent, old, Christmas song.

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